"Where's Your Men's Section?"

Also known as:

• “Where are your men’s products?”
• “Isn’t this a man shower gel?”
• “Yeah but this is all for girls, isn’t it?”
• “Which ones are manly?”
• “Do you do boy’s ones?”
• “Which ones are okay for men?”
• “He likes all this girly stuff…”
• (my personal one-off favourite) “Well I’m buying for my GAY friend…”

I have two answers for this. I call them the short answer and the long answer, but it’s also the answer I say with my outside voice, and the one I say with my inside voice.

Short Answer

“Everything is unisex.”

Long Answer

“Ah. Yes. It must be painfully uncomfortable and difficult for you to not have clearly marked MEN and WOMEN sections, or pink and blue labels so you know instantly which products you’re permitted and not permitted to use. Nevermind anything like personal preference or skin type in the face of mythological gender differences. Please, let me know, in detail, what standards we’re judging gender by here too. I know that when I try to use a pink product, its very own estrogen-access force field has detected my elevated testosterone levels and burned my entire hand off in punishment before. Unfortunately, genderqueer people can’t even cross the shop’s threshold without immediately dissolving. Your little boy has been stealing his sister’s products and you wanted to know what boy ones there are? That’s alright, just ignore his natural preference or apathy towards colour and fragrance and carry on your Mission: AntiGirl and find the MANLIEST one there is. Because (and this is actually a very well kept secret) if boys use something pink more than three times in a row THEN THEY LITERALLY TURN INTO A VAGINA. And if there’s one thing society hates, it’s probably vaginas. And since we’re here, feel free to actually laugh in my face when I tell you that I do in fact use this stuff too in an attempt to illustrate that it’s not just for women and tell me that it’s because I’m feminine. You, as a woman, laughing at me for daring to participate in an activity you deem feminine. Because feminine is bad. And the activity happens to be WASHING MY GODDAMN FACE. Okay but if you want the REAL answer, after I’ve lied to you and said that everything is unisex, you’ll just have to be prepared to wait a few minutes. I just need to refer to my list of essential oils and put them through some complex algorithms to determine, by Government Gender Standards, whether the combination of orange and marigold is Manly or Girly. It won’t take long, I promise. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves and try and think about what your son or brother or father or uncle or whatever might actually like the smell or feel of. No point in getting something he might enjoy using if it’s For Girls, and decides to reject his man-body like some uncooperative kidney. So bear with me if I just take a fraction of a second before I respond to gain a little composure, but on my best smile and give you the short answer instead.”

You’ll just buy the fucking blue one anyway.